Rejection Rituals.

My first sentence was, “Mommies are nice.” It’s true. And she wanted me to be nice too. The two phrases she wanted me to use most often were “please” and “thank you.” If I were asking anyone for anything, she would lean to one side, and her eyes would widen, just waiting to hear me say “please.” The only exception, of course, was when we were going door-to-door during Halloween; we replaced “please” with “Trick or Treat.” On birthdays, holidays, or anytime anyone did anything nice for me, she wanted every “thank you” to be immediate and sincere. If ever I missed my cue, she would ask, “What do you say?” and I knew what to do.

As I grew older, I noticed something strange about how people react to acts of kindness. It’s not that they don’t appreciate it. Most do, but the way we respond to generosity often follows a familiar script. Phrases like “Oh, you shouldn’t have” or “No, really, you didn’t need to do that” are tossed out automatically. We often perform a ritual of rejecting kindness before finally accepting it, with an understanding that the gesture will not be refused. At least one round of polite insistence is expected, and sometimes, if the act feels especially generous, two rounds of hesitance are required before it’s reluctantly received.

During COVID, I decided to watch TV shows that people reference a lot. One of them was Seinfeld. In one episode, Jerry and Elaine are out to dinner with Elaine's boyfriend, Brett. Brett insists on paying the check, but Jerry objects, leading to an exaggerated argument where neither of them is willing to back down. In another episode, George offered to pay the check, fully expecting Jerry and Elaine to reject it. Instead, they didn’t follow what he called the "one rejection rule” and accepted his offer immediately, leaving George stuck with the bill.

These scripted rejections, while polite on the surface, can diminish the value of the kindness being offered. When we hesitate or pretend not to want someone’s generosity, I think we unknowingly belittle the sincerity behind their gesture. By the time we finally accept, after rounds of polite refusals, the “thank you” we give back feels hollow, like an obligation. The genuine connection that kindness can bring is overshadowed by the insistence and resistance. Now, I’m not suggesting we break any Seinfeld rules, but perhaps, instead of always following the usual script, we could consider how much more meaningful it is to accept kindness when it’s first offered, without the back-and-forth, just as today’s fortune says, “Accept kindness from others.”